Hey Shaleen,

I hope you’re doing great.

Hard to believe that its been almost 17 years since we graduated college. Wow, that feels like another lifetime. You were my best friend and I was too naïve to assume that it would be forever. Looking back, I was this shy introverted girl, and couldn’t imagine even talking to you, let alone become your friend. I would just admire you from afar whenever you played your guitar, the confidence with which you carried yourself, ever present genuine smile, your effortless style, and especially your kindness and the way you made people around you feel safe. I was in awe. I wanted to get closer to you, but maybe I was a bit intimidated, or maybe I wasn’t even sure how I truly felt. But I think the years have helped me reflect, accept my feeling and admit my feelings.

You were the one person in college who made me feel seen. I still remember the day we first connected. You were strumming your guitar and singing along with your friends, but I had my eyes only on you. You caught me looking and you just smiled at me. That beautiful charming grin, felt like it entered my soul and I still get butterflies thinking about that. No words were exchanged between us, but it meant something.

Later when we did speak, my heart melted as you told me about your friend who lost her kitty and you were trying to cheer her up. I got reminded of my own cat who passed away last year and had tears in my eyes. You dint tease me or dismiss it, you just hugged me until I stopped crying. That moment stayed with me and told me who you are as a person.

That’s the best quality about you – Your heart, your kindness and spirit. You have always been that emotional net for everyone around you, no judgement, bringing light with your positivity, vibes and music. You had that curiosity for life, asking endless questions, learning new things, adventurous, free spirit. I found myself doing brave things like going on stage to give a speech with hundreds of people looking at me. I could do that because you brought me out of my shell and it was scary, but I’m always grateful to you for that.

I started looking forward to go to college just for you. Even though we never had any class together, the possibility of running into you in the cafeteria, waiting to see what you wore that day (Oh. the day you coloured you hair! I know I told you a hundred times, but I still remember that day and how attractive it was. In fact now if I see someone with red streaks, I just think of you. anyway. Don’t want to digress), a chance to walk back to the station together, holding your hand as we crossed the road, talking endlessly… It was never enough. I wish I could freeze those times.

I know I never told you why I stopped talking to you, and we just drifted apart after college. So, here you go… confessions of a 17 year old coming to you 17 years later!

My heart broke when I saw you with Jiggy, and I couldn’t explain why that made me upset. I know he was a sweet guy, but it just dint feel right. I felt he dint know you… Not like I did, not like I wanted to. Something was not right. He was not good enough for you… nobody could be. I selfishly wanted you all for myself. That scared me like anything and I couldn’t talk to anybody about it. I dint know why I felt that, but something told me that its impossible. So I just shut you out and would cry alone everyday.

Btw, I was also at Aditi’s place for the graduation party, I thought I can talk to you one last time. To say what, I’m not sure. But I just wanted to tell you how special you are, sorry for avoiding you, how much I liked you, that maybe I liked you more than that… But I started hyperventilating and froze. I think I started having a panic attack.

And then I saw you. You looked so good, I just wanted to run to you. You were having fun, bit tipsy. Jiggy wasn’t around… And you started dancing with her… In a way, that felt intimate. I wanted to be the one to dance with you. It was just for a fleeting moment, I don’t think anybody noticed, but it hit me. I just knew that I was right, we were alike. That you liked girls too. But I was too late. I felt there was nothing I could do or justify my behaviour. I was too overwhelmed and unsure of everything. I ran away from the party.

It took me 10 years after college to finally accept myself and come out as a lesbian. I wanted to reach out to you first. Not with any expectation, except to just say thank you. For the bond we had, the times we spent together, I miss you a lot and think about you often. Thanks to Insta, I was able to feel your presence once again, though one sided. Especially when I heard you sing. I feel the same warmth, love, longing and it took me back.

I hope this is not too weird, but I want to thank you for being my first crush, my queer awakening. Imagine, if I was straight … No hold on, Ew. I don’t want to even think about that. Rather, in a hypothetical scenario where being queer was fully normalized, I might have found a little more courage to ask you out, my friends (and hopefully yours), or even our parents might have conspired to bring us together the way Aditi’s folks did. We might have gone on a date. Who knows…

But I’m so glad things are changing. If we were in college in the present climate, things would have been different. This gives me hope that for the next generation, a love story is not just Aditi and Jai, but maybe – Shaleen and Priya?

I hope to hear back from you.
Lots of love,
Priya