Zoya wakes up with a knot in her stomach. She has moved to a new city and today is the first day of school. Talk of nightmares-the very thought of introducing herself to a new crowd of people brings shivers down Zoya’s spine, ones that could rival an ice cream brain freeze. Her body begins to tremble as she munches on her last bite of Chocos and heads out. Zoya finally gets to school, where her mind continues to flood with a vortex of thoughts, all arising from the fear of people judging her. And not to forget, being deemed the unwelcome “weirdo”.
Alas, this isn’t just about first-day jitters. Generally too, Zoya has been thinking a lot about her insecurities and how society puts a hefty load of pressure on everybody to look and be ‘perfect. Her mind constantly juggles thoughts about having an acceptable physical appearance that appeals to Instagram as well as to every nosy uncle and aunty!
Then there is Saba, the Monday Morning Superstar. She wakes up deliriously happy, excited about making new friends. She even packs her favourite packet of Little Hearts to share during break time. With excitement levels skyrocketing, Saba dives headfirst into her mom’s car, ready to conquer the day like the heroine of a Bollywood movie…
The sneaky shadows of insecurity-they’re like those uninvited guests at a party who simply won’t leave. They pop up when we think about our bodies, the types of clothes we wear, our ability to communicate, our report cards, you name it. I suppose it bedevils all of us. But amongst all emotions in this book, to me as a person, they are the most dreaded.
My insecurity kryptonite? Something we all run after: acceptance.
The fear of not being accepted
The struggles of socialising! I’ve been there. Much like Zoya, I felt insecure about social judgements. Throughout my life, I have specially struggled with talking to new people. My panic levels skyrocket and I physically start to shake when asked to approach someone and start a simple conversation.
What accentuates this struggle is having a twin sister who is very different and finds socialising an absolute doddle. She could charm a room of statues into a lively conversation, while I’dbe the one waving awkwardly at the potted plants (It’s bad, real bad). Especially in parties where we are compelled to be around unfamiliar faces, she revels and I sulk!
When I started to get overwhelmed by this insecurity, I tried to explore this daunting terror inside me…
I have always been the “perfectionist”. Or at least I always wanted to be seen as one. This meant that I have constantly been worried about what people think of me. (Even when I drop a whole file of notes, all I can think is, “OMG, did anyone see that?”). Every action, every move—all designed to impress the (often invisible) audience in my mind. The obvious downside of living a life this way is that I have rarely ever been able to be my natural self when amongst new faces. As a result, I became a guarded person who would never let anybody see through the real me.
But this isn’t the only problem with insecurities. The irony of the situation is that no matter how much I have jumped through hoops trying to impress, critics have never left the building. If they finally started to feel I was smart, someone would suddenly question (or was it me who felt that they were questioning?) my ability to serve a tennis ball! (Shhh, let’s not go there, not my strong suit). And the next thing that would make me insecure could be their opinions about everything else—my hairstyle to my dressing sense to my bedtime snack choices. Like seriously, are you for real?
A true instance, though, where I found myself drowning in the sea of self-doubt was when it came to my body. When I was chubby and weighed a few extra kilos, friends and family would toss around words like “fat”. But when I started to love myself more and heal my relationship with food, the label “skinny” emerged. Phrases like “you’re vanishing”, “you should eat more”, “it’s like vegans are all anorexic”, pierced my heart like the sharpest blade. It hurt me deeply to my core to hear, “you must be starving yourself”, when in reality, I felt healthier than ever. I mean, who knew the path to body positivity involved being called a human toothpick? Ouch! After putting my heart and soul into becoming a better version of myself, people were never satisfied. It was then that I realised, they were never going to be. We often care more about the end result rather than the blood, sweat, and tears that got someone somewhere. After all of this, however, if I look in the mirror every morning and am happy with what I see, then the only approval that truly matters is the one I grant myself.
Even becoming vegan was a huge step for me. Let’s be candid —breaking the news to my carnivorous companions (aka the family) was a true test of nerves. However, finding my voice and standing firm in my values of compassion and respect for animals (including self-respect) showed me that these values and morals define me. When I am genuinely grounded in them, the fear of judgement starts to lose its grip.
This constant focus on what others think of us is a never-satiated worry. Wondering if that last selfie made you look hot or plain cringey? Well, achieving satisfaction is like chasing a mirage in the desert; you keep running, but you never quite reach anywhere. I am now starting to question why I feel bothered by people’s opinions and why their thoughts should make me amend the way I go about my life. People keep floating in and out of our lives. But we are stuck with ourselves 24/7! 5o, the only person we really have to please in life is oneself. My insecurities arise from my fear —that I am not enough, that I’m not being seen how I want to be seen. But can we really be happy if we spend our days and nights worrying about what the world thinks of us? Let’s drop that baggage, my friends.
“Well, achieving satisfaction is like chasing a mirage in the desert; you keep running, but you never quite reach anywhere.”
False Illusions
I remember one day at school, we had to present a project in class. Easy-peasy? Nope. I couldn’t utter a word with all the intimidating eyes staring at me. My fear paralysed me. I felt miserable because I knew everything but had the biggest lump in my throat when it was my turn to speak. So there I was, stuck in a silent staring contest with my classmates and teacher (who, mind you, had earned a black belt in stern looks) with the clock ticking louder than Josh’s DJ bass drop. I felt like a total idiot.
A few weeks later, there was another ‘presentation week? This time, however, I had a genuine reason to feel insecure, because I was less competent (you know, we all have those areas where we’re not exactly superheroes, and for me it’s global politics!) and could have ended up letting myself down. The fear is also sometimes real, but misplaced. Some of my friends have recounted instances of people being simply nasty-cracking jokes about skin colour or body shaming. However, such instances are few and far between because funnily enough, sometimes the insecurity and anxiety may actually be driven by a false perception of what others think of us. I can vividly recall one cool summer afternoon. My friends were chatting while I was passing by and all of a sudden, my ears perked up like a dog who just heard the treat jar open. Why? Because Theard my name. I thought to myself, What did they just say about me? How do they feel about me now? Did I do something wrong?’ After this whirlwind of mental drama, I finally discovered the truth. As it turned out, my friend, that once-an-evil-monster-trying-to-ruin-my-life, was simply wondering if I was sticking around after school. Some plot twist, huh?
So this feeling that our friends and family are judging us is often just a belief we cling on to. It might just prove the cliché, FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. Of course, when we reflect on moments like these later, they do seem silly.
However, in the moments when they do occur, most of us don’t realise that. We feel exasperated, attacked, and feel an intense urge to do something about it. Speaking of fear of judgement, you know that moment when the mere thought of answering a question in class feels like facing a dragon with a toothpick?
Well, my philosophy teacher had a grand plan to tackle this fear head-on. He asked us to go around the room and say a random statement out of the blue to unleash our inner wacky doodles. The intention was that after that day, we wouldn’t feel judged for the rest of the year about anything we answered during class. After hearing about how some people talk to plants, dance like a penguin at karaoke nights, or smell books (Oops, that was me!), I figured I should stop worrying about being judged. What can I say? Prof’s method worked like a charm.
“So this feeling that our friends and family are judging us is often just and a belief we cling on to. It might just prove the cliché, FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.”
Nothing holds us back more than our insecurities
The sceptic inside me always tried to see myself ‘in terms of’ other people. I felt I wouldn’t be accepted, making me nervous when others seemed so confident. Staying in my shell, then, felt safer than a marshmallow fort.
There perhaps isn’t a thought more painful than the voice inside us that screams, “Nobody likes me!” — a true gut punch. This feeling deeply wounds us and turns us against ourselves. I felt this way all throughout high school. The urge to hide away from people, become invisible, and avoid interactions initially started with the feeling that something was ‘wrong’ with me—that I may be weird and less competent. Unless I masked my ‘flaws’, they would be seen by people who would form adverse opinions about me. The thing is, at some point, these insecurities may take over our life. In class, I would struggle to speak up or express my opinions or ideas, fearing they might come off as the dumbest shit anyone’s heard all day! I would never want to talk in class presentations even when I was always the one to put it all together. I knew that, all my friends knew that, and they would even ask me why I didn’t want to speak when I was the one who knew it best. I have even seen these fears leading to social anxiety, where it got in the way of living life the way I wanted to live.
Speaking of presentations, I have also realised (this applies to us girls, but perhaps it’s too?), that our choice of outfit holds a magical power. We feel confident when we’re wearing what we love. Before a party or a presentation, when I slip into my favourite pair of ripped jeans or my favourite white blouse with that slightly oversized light brown coat, gosh I feel amazing and confident. Don’t know how that works, but it’s abracadabra!
Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” This made me realise that my actions and my thoughts have always been in stark contrast. The more I lean into this feeling of incompetence, the more I realise that there is something wonky in all of us. Yeah, you, me, the person next door — we’re all weird.
Excerpted with permission from Teenage Chronicles by Saania Saxena
Publishing/ Jaico Publishing House (2021)
You can buy your copy here.
By Saania Saxena
Saania Saxena is a globe-trotter and a storyteller, currently studying at the University of Washington, Seattle. Saania’s passion for exploring has taken her to over 40 countries. With a popular blog on philosophy and life with over 8,000 followers, she’s always sharing her insights. When she’s not writing, you can find her baking, dancing, or riding her horse, Jack.
